There is nothing more tragic about the human experience than the extreme hopelessness some feel and how it can move them to take an early exit. Troubling personal and global events happen in our lives that make us feel walled in, scared, ashamed, and traumatized. Every single one of us experience that. When these things happen, we navigate through and out of them without jumping ship. “Navigate” meaning getting outside help to chart the path away from the storm, but we also have to steer the ship ourselves. I once saw a film where a dead little girl befriends a living little boy, showing him how to live life to the fullest. In one scene, the two children are at a lake and it begins growing dark, which the boy is fearful of. He expresses his fear to the girl, who tells him that soon enough, it will be sunny again. I’ve often come across people who’ve experienced increased optimism and a renewed sense of hope after going through a dark, suicidal point in their life. For those of you going through the dark moments now, this blog is written especially for you. Suicide has played a role in my own life. Over the years, I’ve known several people—a few family members, some friends, and even coworkers—who took their own life. I also have friends who struggle with serious depression. Their pain had deeply affected me. What I offer here are some perspectives and thoughts that may help you through your pain. While it can’t serve as a replacement for professional help, it can potentially offer you that sliver of light that shines through a smoky room.
If you are a challenging place in your life right now and are feeling pain, know that pain is real and no one has the right to tell you differently.
“Suicide will solve my problems.” It’s common for those considering suicide to buy into the notion that it’s an easy solution to end all problems. Yet suicide doesn’t solve problems; it eliminates your universe. Like a black hole, it swallows everything—the good, the bad, your potential, and the chance of serendipity. It also affects everyone around you. Your family, friends, and coworkers, even the EMTs, police, and health care professionals who tried to save your life and are devastated their help was futile. Suicide doesn’t eliminate problems it causes them. Studies have shown that suicide can actually influence others to take their own life. It generates a dark energy that lingers long after you are gone.
I heard someone once say, “I live because I want to see what’s next.” I thought that was a very powerful statement. For me, it means being willing to observe. I think sometimes we need to become less of a participant and practice our observation skills. Instead of getting beat up on the field, bench yourself on the sidelines and watch the game for a bit. Take a break from yourself and live from a third-person perspective. When you think about it, that’s what we do on vacation. We take a break from ourselves, too. In fact, most of us buy new clothes before or during a trip, almost as if we need to physically transform into someone else. We use vacations as an excuse not to answer calls or emails. But you don’t need to take a vacation to become an observer. Decide for the next couple of days that you will just watch the world from the so-called bleachers.
I know of a few people that have merely changed the scenery when they’ve become overwhelmed. Go explore. If you have a car, find a road you’ve never been on before and see where it goes. When you get someplace interesting, stop and talk to the locals. Switch things up for a while. Maybe strike up a conversation with the locals. After all, they don’t know you, which may make them seem safer. While you’re away, make a plan to help yourself get to a healthier way of thinking. There may even be great help in that new town. If you do decide to venture out and explore, please check in with someone regularly. I have a good friend battling depression. As a result, her family members and I have needed to request wellness checks from the police now and again. We came up with a text code we’ll send each other if my friend stops communicating with us. If she is unresponsive to messages and calls, her family and I agreed to text each other a specific number that means my friend is okay but wants to be left alone. While this is not a perfect strategy, communication in general is essential.
“(Fill in the blank) happened to me and I can’t go on.” I think if you knew the experiences of everyone in your life, you would be shocked to discover the kinds of dark places that they have been to at one time or another. This is not to compare hardships, just to let you know that everyone at some point in their life goes through events that cause great tribulation. Some of them are plain bad, and some are downright nasty. We believe these events have the ability to change us in a way that’s unrecoverable. Computer hard drives can be unrecoverable, but not humans. We are adaptable and elastic. We can change ourselves and rearrange ourselves. There is nothing in the universe that is black and white, and when we are challenged in a great way, it can feel solid black. We find solutions to our problems by evaluating the entire spectrum of the problem. The solution is not all-or-nothing. Like a ship captain navigates a storm, look for the best passage for the moment. Don’t look at the long term. That negative long-term future you’re seeing isn’t necessarily accurate; none of us knows what the future holds.
I’ve heard some remarkable stories about how things worked out for people suffering from dark depressive times. The universe is a weird place, and sometimes weird can be a good thing. Even a weird distraction can give you clarity. I will define “weird” as anything that’s unique and unpredictable, maybe even a head-scratcher. My point is, when you take your life, everything disappears. All roads close. The sun sets. The pizza shop closes. The treasure chest of possibilities dissolves into dust. The music stops. I know you don’t want that. You want to hear the music. You want the pizza shop open. You want to sort through that treasure chest. You want to see what’s down that road, over the horizon. You want to feel the warmth of the sun.
Sometimes I imagine that I have gone through a time-machine. I’ll think about bad decisions I’ve made in the past and go back in time in my mind, imagining the possible outcomes of having made better decisions. What if you actually took a time-machine back to this moment just to make a better decision for your future? That can be your creative-thinking exercise. The opportunity for focusing on a clear path is here right now. Give it some time for answers to appear. Ask for help with that navigation. Seek out those who have gone through the similar issues you are going through. Believe me there are many who will “get” what you’re experiencing—more than you might realize. Ask them how they made it through their own storms.
Regardless of how you feel now, know that you are part of the best statistic there is: You are human. You belong to the highest level of species in the known universe. The odds of being you are 400 quadrillion to the 150,000 power. On a much, much smaller scale, only one out of as much as a billion sperm cells fought the fight to make it to the egg. You beat the absolute worst odds to be here. You were born a survivor and didn’t even know it. Surviving is built into your DNA. The fact that you are here now reading this shows you are a survivor. You are aware of all the good and the bad aspects of your past and present, and maybe you think you know what is in your future, but you don’t. Good luck, exoneration, serendipity, forgiveness, insight, and universal weirdness are all possibilities in your future. Ask for help to navigate through this time and, while doing so, practice becoming an observer.
Below are a variety of resources for those who may need additional help.
*The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline1-800-273-TALK (8255). Here is a list of international suicide hotlines. Text TALK to 741741 for 24/7, anonymous and free counseling.
*The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook: CBT Skills to Reduce Emotional Pain, Increase Hope, and Prevent Suicide by Kathryn Gordon https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684037026
* Call the SAMHSA Treatment Referral Hotline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), for free, confidential support for substance abuse treatment.
* Call the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), for confidential crisis support.
* Call Trevor Lifeline, 1-866-488-7386, a free and confidential suicide hotline for LGBT youth. I have personally called them and they said anyone can call. To text: Message the word START to the number 678678.
*7 Cups and IMAlive are free, anonymous, online text chat services with trained listeners, online therapists, and counselors.
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