Month: November 2019

As we ride on the rough roads of the 21^st century, figuratively speaking, we notice our maps are showing less roads. Even with a global market, diversity acceptance, the internet and instantaneous global communication, we are finding we are losing the ability to choose. Our choices have become slimmer and we have become angry about it. When we lose choice, we lose control. We also feel we cannot make the best decisions for ourselves. It can be shopping, healthcare, jobs, housing or anything where there is a noticeable decrease in choices. With a decline in income comes a decline in choice. When we lose options, we feel like we are victims to the choices we have left because we are losing control.

Having the ability to choose is a strength, it’s empowerment. One size does not fit all, and we are for the most part, able to and want to choose what is right for us. I believe part of our collective angst is the loss of choice. The sooner we recognize it, the sooner we can take it seriously. There may not be much we can do in the bigger picture but taking advantage of when we do have choice is a start. For me, I like to shop for groceries at a variety of different markets. I am supporting different markets and I am giving myself more choices of groceries. Supporting the variety, preserves the variety.

“Hope” is an interesting word. When we use the word “hope”, we generally use it in a positive context. The fact is, it’s a very passive word. When we use it, we are saying, I want something to happen, but I have no control over the outcome. When given the opportunity to use the word “hope”, say “want” instead, or “will make.” Take control of the future by focusing on making things happen, instead of just hoping for them.

Hate is not the opposite of love. Hate is anger. Hate is loss of control. Hate is surrender or the possibility of surrendering. Hate is identity misunderstood. Hate is vulnerability exposed. Hate can be a negative byproduct of culture. Hate is accumulative. Hate is a reaction.

We don’t choose hate, hate happens. The opposite of hate is tolerance. To not have hate is to be tolerant but not just with others but with ourselves and things we associate with. Being tolerant doesn’t mean giving approval or engaging with the things and people we “hate”, it means turning down the level of hate by making the effort to dilute its negative effects. Hate has a surface value sometimes of momentary strength which can seem to be positive, but the emotion is so high level that its purpose can be lost or misunderstood which again, being misunderstood is one of the definitions of hate.

We all know what the definition is because we all have our own idea and experience what bullying is. The causes are many but what I think it comes down to is an aggressive form of competition. The bully needs to feel in control of something and aggression works because the response to it is usually passive. Being dominant is seen as an accomplishment to the bully. It gives a feeling of control and empowerment. It’s a reaction to experiencing a weakness or fear. That weakness or fear can be very complex.

Bullying should be seen as a perpetual cycle. The successful bully will not stop and probably will escalate. Because of this, there should be zero tolerance. The bully should be confronted by someone that they trust, and they should be told that their behavior is being identified as bullying and that it is unacceptable and punishable. They should be told that it’s systematic of other issues and those issues should be explored by a professional. When appropriate, options could be made as to where help is available for them to explore their issues. The bully should also be separated from their recipient and this should be monitored.

It will be up to the bully to deal with the issues that is causing the bullying and so until that happens, avoidance, discipline and monitoring are the only options. Understanding that there is unhealthy competition in the bully may help in trying to provide opportunities that are healthy self-esteem building and that have an expected achievement. Unfortunately, bullying happens with adults, neighbors, partners, family and co-workers. It can be a game of tolerance. The consequences of addressing the bully have to be weighed and may come down to identifying if the bullying is approaching intolerable but tolerance has its limits. No bullying should really be tolerated.

This has been one of my most challenging perspectives because I really wanted to get this right. I actually do research to help me clarify the points I make, and I try my best to be accurate, clear and careful. I also want to make this concise and to the point because this is a very complicated issue, and this is still a work in progress.

I have studied for a long time the dynamics of dysfunctional families in an effort to try to understand the roots of the dysfunction. Unfortunately, until recently, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Dysfunctional families don’t just happen, they build upon each other over generations and many of our dysfunctions now can be traced to before the Civil War. Therapy or meds can’t always help something so engrained into our DNA but looking at families that have healthy family dynamics can give some perspective into what we are doing wrong.

From my own experience and from research I found, there are quite a few core building blocks to be a healthy adult. Some of them seem obvious but the reasons they are important may not be exactly known to us. Much of who we are is biology, genetics and human instinct. Those three things we have no conscious control of, but they do play an enormous role in our behaviors and our mental quality of life. For example, it’s been proven that loneliness can have serious health consequences including cardiovascular disease and stroke and even though loneliness may not be seen as physical, it affects us physically because we as humans need the presence of other people to be healthy. Remember that solitary confinement is considered one of the most extreme forms of punishment.

So like our need for others, there are many other pieces of the puzzle for being a healthy adult. From what I have researched, the elements that contribute to a healthy adult are based off of a wider definition of traditional families, not the modern, religious or political definition of traditional but more the human. It’s important that we have a dependable, nurturing, and forgiving set or group of people to raise us. These can be parents by any definition, family or others that are there for the entire growth of the child to the adult. The child must feel secure about their present and their future. They must have controlled challenges to facilitate growth and learning and have experience in dealing with disappointment. They must feel useful as a child with the hopes of being useful as an adult. Their daily life should follow consistent, reliable patterns. All of their questions should be answered. They must feel like a they are a positive contributor to the family.

It should go without saying abuse of any sort is not a contributor to a healthy adult.

The closest example I could come up with of all these elements coming together would be the farming lifestyle. Generally speaking farming has suffered quite a bit in recent due to unfavorable weather, trade tariffs, competitive pricing and other financial issues but the farming family culture has shown to be strong and resilient with growing interest among the younger generations according to the National Young Farmers Coalition. What we want to focus on is not the farming specifically but how the farming family provides the necessary elements to help achieve to become a healthier adult. In a farming family all members have value and work towards the success of the family. You start off very young knowing the value of teamwork and self-sacrifice. Everyone in the family has a role, and each role is respected. Many farms have been handed down from generation to generation and if the farm is successful, the child can decide to not be a farmer but know that the farm is there if they decide differently. There are also the added benefits such as access to healthier foods and literally seeing the fruit of your labor.

If you look for a definition of “critical thinking” on the web, you’ll find a variety of answers. My definition below expands a bit on the others but with a difference that a critical thinker knows they can be wrong.

“The process of using a variety of different disciplines, education, perspectives and creative thinking to acknowledge the possibility of other conclusions. This process has no limits to the tools, intelligence or methods to achieve this. What separates critical thinking from other types of analysis is with critical thinking the understanding is that conclusions can be dynamic, complicated and can be wrong. Quick assumptions or unchangeable opinions are not critical thinking.”

I bring this up because of the many news stories about people who believe in so-called conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theories happen when we try to use logic on a subject that seems to defy logic. If for some reason it rained just over your house every day at 3pm to 4pm for an entire week, there would seem to be some significance for this to happen. Nature is regarded as “random” and the raining would seem to be intentional. Although it could be merely a coincidence, and in fact in Florida this kind of weather event does happen, you would try to apply logic to it. It would seem to only make more sense if there was an intention to raining over your house the same time every day. Conspiracy theories are actually the first step in critical thinking because they get you to analyze a problem using a different logic. The problem is with many people their thinking stops there. It’s good to add logic to a problem but it’s bad not to be open to other possibilities and answers. Critical thinking is about exploring and being open to the possibility of other answers, maybe in even two conflicting answers where both could correct.

A good exercise in critical thinking is to think about a specific conspiracy theory, and how the two popular opposing opinions could both be true at the same time.

Years ago, we knew exactly who directed hate towards us, but because of the various types of global communication we have currently, most hate we receive is from strangers. The first thing we need to do is to not concentrate on the content of the hate. Make the hate generic. The second thing we need to do is to identify if there is a credible threat of harm. There are plenty of types of resources to do so including asking friends and family. In some cases, contacting someone in law enforcement. We alone cannot always identify a real threat from an empty one.

Identify if the hate directed towards you is personal, meaning they know you and you know them, and the hate is because of an interaction between you both. Ask yourself if you need to own the hate or did you do something where the hate from the other person is justified? Are you returning the hate?

If the hate is personal, you will have to make the effort to understand it and address it. Personal hate is looking to get resolved and that can be in a good or bad way. Ask yourself what compromise are you willing to make to resolve the cause, and to eliminate or diffuse the hate. If you make the efforts to resolve the hate and the efforts fail, you have the option to try things differently but don’t continue if you feel it is not working. Some people want to hate, and you can’t change that. It can make them hate even more. Letting time pass can help, but be cautious about resuming your efforts to resolve the situation. Only when you feel the other person is receptive should you try again. Unfortunately hate can be a driving force for some people. It’s the reason they wake up in the morning and you’re not going to be able to change that. I’m not under the belief that all problems can be solved but I do believe we can deal with them better. Putting distance physically and mentally between you and the hateful person is the best option unless you feel threatened. If that is the case the threat needs to be addressed professionally.

There has been and always will be hate. Much of it is because there is a misunderstanding, or someone feels threatened. You are not required to engage or defend yourself with a hateful person and there is a good amount of hate that can be ignored. Hate focused on you may in fact be a release for some people, and you just happen to be a convenient target. Unless it’s personal, you don’t need to figure it out.

Progress is the most over-looked, essential need for good mental health. In many ways it’s the key to a healthy, happy life but yet it never seems to be a part of any organized healthy lifestyle routine the way diet is. Our brains need to feel that we are moving forward, learning and exploring. Unfortunately, it can be very hard to find progress in the things that matter but fortunately it doesn’t take much to satisfy that part of our brains. Progress is anything that moves us forward, shows a measurable progression and produces something that is learned. We have inside of us the need to have value and our self-value is perceived by achieving things.

I believe much of our self-medicating and violence, especially among youths is caused by a lack of genuine progress in our lives. I believe we feel only two stages, moving forward or moving backward. Staying stagnant is felt as moving backward. The correct way to have progress is to, explore, learn, fail and succeed with activities that interest us. This though is not always an option and so we must find it in other ways that although they may not be as healthy, they can get us out of a “progress slump.” I think the success of binge-watching TV shows is because we can “progress” along in the series, at our own pace, in a sense, taking control. I have seen video games successfully help people with “progress-deficiency.” When you play a video game, you can work through one level and then quit that session so at the end of the day you feel there was at least one thing that was challenging that you made progress on. The following day you can work on in your mind the strategies for the next gaming session. I think the number one reason video gaming is so popular is because it satisfies our need for progress. In fact, if you ask gamers what the most important aspect of a video game is, they will tell you gameplay. They want to feel their achievements are real and gained from their skills. Game graphics are not as important. Video game developers know more than anyone the importance of progress and achievements. Most video games now offer the player trophies, badges, metals as well as “achievements’ that even sometimes have a monetary value.

It really doesn’t take much to add something to our lives that satisfy our need for progress. Many people do it with hobbies. Some do it by reviewing things on YouTube or playing card games on their phone or simple collecting. It should come from more meaningful sources such as our job, but when it doesn’t, we absolutely must introduce it into our lives in some other form.

When you feel that something is missing in your life that you can’t put a finger on, the lack of progress in your life may be it. You can do something about it.

Identity most certainly has been the biggest issue in history. Almost all wars have been the result of identity. As we move forward into the future, our identities get more fractured and complex. If we were to write down all of our identities, we would probably come up with dozens. Our culture dictates that we must have our biggest bonds with those of the same identities. The ones that are different than us are held at a distance with suspicion, at the very least. One of the biggest problems with identity is, it’s dynamic, and for some it changes every day. We question ourselves and others constantly in a circle of uncertainty. Because it’s dynamic, you will never know all the identities of your family, friends, neighbors, coworkers and even yourself. Did your identity change when you moved to a new neighborhood or dated someone new or did you do something that was different than your peers?

The fact is we are human first and that should be the only identity we should really focus on. Engage with people as a human first. Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to not fall victim to our biases and prejudices and in all honesty, I think it would be impossible to be free of them but it’s not impossible to be mindful of the complexity of identity. Once you identify with someone on their other identities, you will compare and scrutinize theirs as well as yours till eventually unfair assumptions will be made. If you feel that someone is a threat to you because of their identity, deal with the threat and not the identity. Any threat that is immediate and putting you in danger at the moment is different than what your perception of a future threat based on identity is.  Remind yourself you are a human first, as is everyone else.

As I write this opening post, the sun is shining brightly through my window, the air is crisp, birds are zipping around… as well as a police helicopter which apparently is focusing in on an active crime. It’s very fitting because my hope for this blog is to help you navigate with your own tools through the challenges of life and to try and stay focused on your own well-being. I have to admit the helicopter sound is unsettling, but I know it will pass soon. It’s not unlike the negative events that seem to invade our lives regularly but learning how to see life in a different perspective may help understand why things happen and what we can do to be okay with ourselves and the world around us.