Before you read the next sentence, take a second to clear your mind and not assume you know what this article is about.
The past year has been especially hard on everyone, with most of us experiencing a loss of some type. It has made us more emotionally driven than before. There has been more passion but there also has been less listening. There have been many news stories about people who have gotten in trouble legally and culturally for saying or doing things that maybe they should have kept to themselves until a better time to express what they are feeling. Even businesses have been caught up in this with the result being a part of the “cancel culture.” Conversation has become almost one sided. Celebrities are constantly asking for apologies on social media and businesses are back-tracking, trying to correct for decisions that were made that were inappropriate or insensitive.
What is happening is we are caught up in the moment without considering the consequences of our actions. Too many things are being said and done at the absolute wrong time and place and although they may not be harmful in and of itself, the timing of when these things are done can have disastrous consequences. We need to take a moment before we do or say things and consider those consequences. I see “retractions” all the time on social media, chats and on the news because someone didn’t take a few seconds and consider how their response could negatively impact themselves or others. Yes, your voice matters but just because a thought or idea pops into your head at that moment doesn’t mean you need to express it immediately. Part of this comes from a lack of listening and evaluating what is happening at that moment in time. If you take your car to an auto shop and you think all car shops are shady, you probably shouldn’t express that to the shop owner. That may be your experience and you are rightfully entitled to your opinion but expressing it at the wrong time benefits no one, especially yourself.
Taking a few seconds before making any action gives you a chance to really flesh out your thoughts and to listen with both eyes and ears to what is happening around you. When someone is expressing their own ideas, don’t jump in with your own thoughts until you have taken a few seconds to digest their perspective. Sometimes what we say and do involves an explanation and when we don’t have the opportunity to do that, we should wait until we do so that we can be understood accurately.
This guest post was written by Patrick Bailey who writes various articles in the fields of mental health, addiction, and living in recovery. Please check out his website at https://www.patrickbaileys.com/category/wellness/
Substance abuse in the United States has never been more prevalent than today. According to the National Institutes of Health, there are 14.4 million adult Americans currently suffering from Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). The Mayo Clinic, one of the nation’s leading medical research institutions, says that AUD affects those suffering from it daily. People with AUD may ignore basic functions of living like taking showers, attending social gatherings, and going to work, all in the pursuit of consuming more alcohol.
That means someone with AUD may drink while driving, drink on the job, and even sell a majority of their possessions to purchase more alcohol. Put another way, AUD sufferers have no control over their consumption of alcohol, which leads to major troubles in life, such as food insecurity. If you or someone you know may be suffering from AUD, the next step may be to research alcohol rehab centers.
What is Food Insecurity?
One problem stemming from AUD is food insecurity, not just in the user, but also sometimes for children in the same household.
Food insecurity is determined by the availability of quality, healthful food in a given area. For instance, if you don’t have a vehicle and the only food available is from a gas station or convenience store near your house, you stand to suffer from food insecurity. However, if you have access to food so your daily nutritional needs are consistently met, you do not suffer from food insecurity. As of 2018, the U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates that 11.1% of U.S. households are currently food insecure. That means just over 14 million American households do not have adequate access to nutritious food.
Food insecurity also has lasting impacts — on adults, yes, but especially children. In many cases, children who grow up in food-insecure households may develop health conditions such as high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, obesity, and other lasting health problems. In many cases, children may develop unhealthy habits towards sharing and have consistent fears and worries about their next meal. This also increases stress and anxiety among children as a chronic condition and may also impact their schooling, sociability, and more.
Linking Alcoholism to Food Insecurity
Research suggests a strong correlation between substance abuse and food insecurity. It’s widely believed that 70% of those with substance abuse problems are also food insecure. In many cases, those who abuse drugs or alcohol may forgo regular meals for days to afford their next fix. In many cases, abusers are most concerned and focused on securing money for drugs or alcohol. This also impacts families where the addict may not care about their children’s food security and are instead more focused on their next high. In interviews conducted with female heroin users, researchers found that users would typically skip meals for days, preferring to use money for drugs. In other cases, the presence of food in the body can also hinder or lessen the effects of certain drugs. It can reduce the perceived effects of cannabis. The same is also also true for more dangerous drugs. Therefore, many addicts may skip eating to get the “best” high.
In other studies, researchers have concluded that heroin users typically eat fast food more often than non-drug users. Opioid users have demonstrated vitamin deficiencies due to a lacking diet. It is also well established that alcoholics typically suffer from a deficiency in thiamine. This vitamin is responsible for the normal functions related to the heart, muscles, and brain. A lack of thiamine also may lead to complications such as difficulty breathing, rapid heart rate, and leg swelling.
Another well-established cause of food insecurity among substance abusers is that many illicit drugs like cocaine, opioids, and alcohol suppress appetite. Heroin and similar opioids act to trigger a desire/craving for sugars and sweets, leading to higher BMI among users. Cannabis is an exception to drugs’ tendency to reduce hunger, since it is known to increase appetite.
Conclusion
Substance abuse relating to opioids, cocaine, and alcohol (among others) are known to cause food insecurity. This lack of nutritional value in consumed food leads to increased health risks and deficiencies in the user. Research also suggests that substance abuse impacts not only users but their families as well. Nearly 8% of food-insecure households have children who suffer from food insecurity due to parents and legal guardians who abuse substances.
Author Bio: Patrick Bailey is a professional writer mainly in the fields of mental health, addiction, and living in recovery. He attempts to stay on top of the latest news in the addiction and the mental health world and enjoy writing about these topics to break the stigma associated with them.
There is nothing more tragic about the human experience than
the extreme hopelessness some feel and how it can move them to take an early
exit. Troubling personal and global events happen in our lives that make us
feel walled in, scared, ashamed, and traumatized. Every single one of us
experience that. When these things happen, we navigate through and out of them
without jumping ship. “Navigate” meaning getting outside help to chart the path
away from the storm, but we also have to steer the ship ourselves. I once saw a film
where a dead little girl befriends a living little boy, showing him how to live
life to the fullest. In one scene, the two children are at a lake and it begins
growing dark, which the boy is fearful of. He expresses his fear to the girl,
who tells him that soon enough, it will be sunny again. I’ve often come across people who’ve
experienced increased optimism and a renewed sense of hope after going through
a dark, suicidal point in their life. For those of you going through the
dark moments now, this blog is written especially for you. Suicide has played a
role in my own life. Over the years, I’ve known several people—a few family
members, some friends, and even coworkers—who took their own life. I also have friends who
struggle with serious depression. Their pain had deeply affected me. What I
offer here are some perspectives and thoughts that may help you through your
pain. While it can’t serve as a replacement for professional help, it can
potentially offer you that sliver of light that shines through a smoky room.
If you are a challenging place in your life right now and
are feeling pain, know that pain is real and no one has the right to tell you differently.
“Suicide will solve my problems.” It’s common for those considering suicide to buy into the notion that it’s an easy solution to end all problems. Yet suicide doesn’t solve problems; it eliminates your universe. Like a black hole, it swallows everything—the good, the bad, your potential, and the chance of serendipity. It also affects everyone around you. Your family, friends, and coworkers, even the EMTs, police, and health care professionals who tried to save your life and are devastated their help was futile. Suicide doesn’t eliminate problems it causes them. Studies have shown that suicide can actually influence others to take their own life. It generates a dark energy that lingers long after you are gone.
I heard someone once say, “I live because I want to see
what’s next.” I thought that was a very powerful statement. For me, it means being
willing to observe. I think sometimes we need to become less of a participant
and practice our observation skills. Instead of getting beat up on the field,
bench yourself on the sidelines and watch the game for a bit. Take a break from
yourself and live from a third-person perspective. When you think about it,
that’s what we do on vacation. We take a break from ourselves, too. In fact,
most of us buy new clothes before or during a trip, almost as if we need to
physically transform into someone else. We use vacations as an excuse not to
answer calls or emails. But you don’t need to take a vacation to become an
observer. Decide for the next couple of days that you will just watch the world
from the so-called bleachers.
I know of a few people that have merely changed the scenery
when they’ve become overwhelmed. Go explore. If you have a car, find a road
you’ve never been on before and see where it goes. When you get someplace
interesting, stop and talk to the locals. Switch things up for a while. Maybe strike
up a conversation with the locals. After all, they don’t know you, which may
make them seem safer. While you’re away, make a plan to help yourself get to a
healthier way of thinking. There may even be great help in that new town. If
you do decide to venture out and explore, please check in with someone
regularly. I have a good friend battling depression. As a result, her family
members and I have needed to request wellness checks from the police now and
again. We came up with a text code we’ll send each other if my friend stops
communicating with us. If she is unresponsive to messages and calls, her family
and I agreed to text each other a specific number that means my friend is okay
but wants to be left alone. While this is not a perfect strategy, communication
in general is essential.
“(Fill in the blank) happened to me and I can’t go on.” I
think if you knew the experiences of everyone in your life, you would be
shocked to discover the kinds of dark places that they have been to at one time
or another. This is not to compare hardships, just to let you know that
everyone at some point in their life goes through events that cause great
tribulation. Some of them are plain bad, and some are downright nasty. We
believe these events have the ability to change us in a way that’s unrecoverable.
Computer hard drives can be unrecoverable, but not humans. We are adaptable and
elastic. We can change ourselves and rearrange ourselves. There is nothing in
the universe that is black and white, and when we are challenged in a great
way, it can feel solid black. We find solutions to our problems by evaluating
the entire spectrum of the problem. The solution is not all-or-nothing. Like a
ship captain navigates a storm, look for the best passage for the moment. Don’t
look at the long term. That negative long-term future you’re seeing isn’t
necessarily accurate; none of us knows what the future holds.
I’ve heard some remarkable stories about how things worked
out for people suffering from dark depressive times. The universe is a weird place,
and sometimes weird can be a good thing. Even a weird distraction can give you
clarity. I will define “weird” as anything that’s unique and unpredictable,
maybe even a head-scratcher. My point is, when you take your life, everything
disappears. All roads close. The sun sets. The pizza shop closes. The treasure chest
of possibilities dissolves into dust. The music stops. I know you don’t want
that. You want to hear the music. You want the pizza shop open. You want to
sort through that treasure chest. You want to see what’s down that road, over
the horizon. You want to feel the warmth of the sun.
Sometimes I imagine that I have gone through a time-machine.
I’ll think about bad decisions I’ve made in the past and go back in time in my
mind, imagining the possible outcomes of having made better decisions. What if
you actually took a time-machine back to this moment just to make a better
decision for your future? That can be your creative-thinking exercise. The
opportunity for focusing on a clear path is here right now. Give it some time for answers to appear. Ask for help
with that navigation. Seek out those who have gone through the similar issues
you are going through. Believe me there are many who will “get” what you’re
experiencing—more than you might realize. Ask them how they made it through
their own storms.
Regardless of how you feel now, know that you are part of the best statistic there is: You are human. You belong to the highest level of species in the known universe. The odds of being you are 400 quadrillion to the 150,000 power. On a much, much smaller scale, only one out of as much as a billion sperm cells fought the fight to make it to the egg. You beat the absolute worst odds to be here. You were born a survivor and didn’t even know it. Surviving is built into your DNA. The fact that you are here now reading this shows you are a survivor. You are aware of all the good and the bad aspects of your past and present, and maybe you think you know what is in your future, but you don’t. Good luck, exoneration, serendipity, forgiveness, insight, and universal weirdness are all possibilities in your future. Ask for help to navigate through this time and, while doing so, practice becoming an observer.
Below are a variety of resources for those who may need
additional help.
*The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook: CBT Skills to Reduce Emotional Pain, Increase Hope, and Prevent Suicide by Kathryn Gordon https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684037026
* Call Trevor Lifeline, 1-866-488-7386, a free and confidential suicide hotline for LGBT youth. I have personally called them and they said anyone can call. To text: Message the word START to the number 678678.
*7
Cups and IMAlive are free,
anonymous, online text chat services with trained listeners, online therapists,
and counselors.
A friend of mine struggled with alcohol for many years. For
a short time, she saved every empty bottle of alcohol and months later put them
in a room and photographed them as a group. Each bottle she labeled with the
date she drank it. The image was overpowering and profoundly sad. We don’t
usually have the opportunity to see the alcoholic’s amount of consumption of
alcohol as a whole. It certainly put a different perspective on not only the
amounts but also the costs and effort that go into an addiction.
In this post I want to provide some perspectives on
alcoholism recovery. I don’t think alcoholism and drug addiction should be
considered the same type of addiction and so the methods recovery should not be
the same. I find them to be two separate beasts needing different types of
recovery. I’m also not fond of the general term “substance abuse,” which can be
mistaken for the general term ”addiction.” Each addiction has its own unique
dynamics, hence its own methods for recovery. For this post I will only focus
on alcoholism recovery.
If you are an alcoholic reading this post wanting help, the
good news is that there is help. But the type of help that worked well for
others may not be the type of help that works for you. Absolutely first and
foremost, you need to see your family practitioner. Your doctor needs to do
blood work to make sure you are not in need of immediate care such as getting
detoxed and guarantee you don’t have other serious issues going on like
dehydration. You have to be honest and open with doctors. Ask them what local
programs have shown the most success and are within your budget. What you want
are options. You need options because ultimately this is a decision you will be
making, and you need to find a recovery option you know you can commit to and
will work for who you are. Nothing will help if you don’t do the work, so you
need the recovery option that feels like a good fit for you and that you
believe will encourage you to continue.
Rehabs are generally where alcoholics are referred to for
recovery, but there are a few things you need to know before considering a
rehab. Rehabs are generally unregulated
and are profit-based businesses. Not all rehabs have qualified
staff or healthcare professionals on staff. Many do not offer individual
therapy, and most rely on the 12-Step program. Rehabs also have their own criteria
for success rates. There is no actual way for a rehab to claim any success
rate. Just because you don’t return doesn’t mean the program was successful.
Another thing to consider is that you will be on lockdown. Very
few facilities allow access to the outside world, which means no internet,
phone, or email. Keep in mind: It’s your loved ones who will be supporting
you through your continued recovery. Because of that, I believe they should be
there every step of the way. The biggest problem with rehab is that when you go
home, you are on your own. A good friend of mine went to a very nice rehab in
California, many miles away from his home. He ate well, fished, and generally
had a comfortable healthy time. He told me that while he was there, one woman
left the rehab after a month. While at the airport waiting for her plane, she
got drunk at the airport lounge. This makes sense. Rehabs treat in a bubble. When
you leave, you probably won’t have a gourmet chef cooking for you or the sunset
view of a bay or daily Reiki massages. You will be back home where it all
started. Maybe removing yourself from your alcoholic environment or from the
issues that trigger your alcoholism will work for you, but remember: If you
want to be sober, you need to focus on the type of recovery that will work long
term. Not all rehabs are alike, so do your research. Rehabs can cost as much as
$1000 a day or more. You want that money well spent for your own sobriety.
I personally am not fond of Alcoholics Anonymous in a clinical setting. AA can be experienced as being very guilt focused, and there are those who are not comfortable with its religious history or context. There is a place for it outside a clinical setting, but different therapies should be considered first than just one. Why does Alcoholic Anonymous work for some people? It works because what it does is replace some of the reasons a person continues to drink. The meetings provide community, which replaces loneliness, an opportunity for growth, which replaces failure or being stagnant, peer support, which replaces stigma, reward (coins), which replaces real reward, and confession, which replaces therapy. The problem is that AA is really only a substitute for the things that are missing in the alcoholic’s life. It’s a perpetual state of limbo. The real issues never get addressed. AA becomes in fact a new addiction. It’s fulfilling what is missing in the alcoholic’s life. Is this a bad thing? It is as if the real issues are not uncovered and treated, each needing its own treatment and course of action. If an opportunity exists to help someone with his or her specific issues, that always should be the chosen method of recovery. AA is not the perfect solution, but it may be part of your bigger plan for sustained sobriety. AA meetings are available everywhere, every day, and are free. AA members can be friendly and welcoming, and if you need an extra incentive to go and check one out for yourself, they usually offer free coffee and donuts.
So what works? Like everything else, one size doesn’t fit
all. Support from family, friends, coworkers, and other communities is number
one on the recovery plan. I do realize it can be a challenge for family and
friends, especially if the alcoholism has caused problems in those
relationships. This is where a therapist can explore relationships that have
been healthy for the alcoholic and work as part of a team with those who can
provide the support. Recovery has to happen during the everyday life of the
alcoholic. Going off to a rehab in the Bahamas is not going to work. What do
you think is going to happen when the alcoholic comes back from a luxury rehab
to go back the same broken dynamics? Outpatient rehab and therapy provide many more
options than an inpatient rehab. The alcoholic can work with the
rehab/therapist with daily challenges and triggers. The costs are lower, which
helps make it less of a financial burden and makes it more likely that those
struggling can get help. Recovery can be custom-tailored to the alcoholic’s
needs and method of treatment. Family can be present during some of the
therapy. Additional outside programs and groups can be specifically chosen.
You have choices both short term and long term. Everyone’s situation is different, so there may be some trial and error in finding out what will work for you in the long term. It’s possible rehab followed by out-patient therapy will work for you. There are also a variety of different medications used for alcoholism treatment. SMART Recovery is similar to Alcoholic Anonymous and should be considered if you are uncomfortable with AA’s sobriety approach. Like AA, SMART Recovery is available in different locations although it’s not as common. There are also live online meetings for various addictions where you can participate from home.
Start with your doctor. Maybe visit an online meeting. Do
your research. Ask lots of questions. Move forward. Embrace your healthier
self.
Make sure light bulb is off for 5 minutes. Turn on bulb for 8 seconds, turn off bulb for 2 seconds, turn on bulb for 2 seconds, turn off bulb for 2 seconds, turn on bulb for 2 seconds, turn off bulb for 2 seconds, turn on bulb for 2 seconds, turn off bulb for 2 seconds, turn on bulb for 8 seconds, turn off bulb for 2 seconds, turn on bulb for 8 seconds, turn off bulb for 2 seconds and then turn on bulb.
This is the process to reset a newer light bulb, the kind you have on a table, or next to your bed or hanging in multiple, in your chandelier. A few years ago, we could just buy a light bulb and screw it in, but the world has changed and will continue to, and for better or for worse, it’s getting more complicated.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is characterized by persistent and excessive worry about a number of different things.
According to The Anxiety and Depression Association of America, there are sobering statistics showing that depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide. Almost one fifth of the United States population over 18 suffers from an anxiety disorder. Medical News Today points out that anxiety is on the rise and has been rising for decades. There are plenty of statistics online to show the prevalence of anxiety and its crippling nature, but chances are, you don’t need statistics to prove what you already know, which is anxiety affects all of us, either directly or indirectly.
Without going into the chemistry side of anxiety such as stimulants or anxiety medication, we need to know what these external forces are that are creating our distress. In my blog post Identity, I write about how who we are has become fractioned into micro-identities and the conflicts with being many different dynamic identities and how this challenges our definition of ourselves and others. Culture is a driving force in our identity, and culture and ideologies have been changing at a very rapid pace in recent. Along with gaining more identities, there is also the losing or ambiguity of identities such as political parties, religious entities or countries becoming more diversified. Who is who and what is what? If you are a (fill in the blank), are you also a (fill in the blank)? Confused about who you think you are, who others think you are or who anyone else is, is clearly distressing and can have serious implications in your personal, work and religious life as well your relationships with others. What we need to understand is we are dynamic; we change and everyone else does also. Constantly focusing on all your identities and analyzing others is a lot of weight to carry. Suppress this anxiety by focusing on “identity” only when you have to, because each day, some things about you change.
When I first read the “light bulb instructions”, just reading it gave me anxiety! I felt for all the people that struggle with new technology and was also angry that a light bulb is now that complicated. I am not a technology hater. I’m quite the opposite and have worked with very high-end tech and have designed tech for nursing simulation. The common idea is that modern technology makes life easier. The truth is, it does not. It makes things more convenient and gives us more options but the process to make it convenient is not easy. When you compare making a purchase with cash and purchasing something with your phone, you’ll see my point. With cash, you have various ways of accessing it with many people getting it along with their purchase at a store. The process of purchasing something with your phone has a very complicated set-up process which includes getting a phone that will run the app, downloading and setting up the app, recheck for latest update, making sure the phone has the right firmware update to run the app, going through the various policies, making sure you have enough memory to run the app, reading reviews and checking into how secure it is, coming up with and remembering a unique password that uses letters, numbers and characters, making sure the phone has enough power by the time you make your purchase, etc. We all use tech like this and generally do a good job with it but what is happening is many things that were once easy are now complicated. Compound this with fears of data-breaches, identity theft, hacking and also user-error. Another problem with all this complexity in our lives now, is it’s constantly changing, and your skills must be updated regularly. You just don’t learn it once like riding a bicycle, you have to retrain to accommodate the newer ways to do things and if you don’t, there are serious consequences.
On their own they are small anxieties, but they can accumulate and become burdensome over time. If it’s burdensome now, know that the technology in your car far exceeds what was in the Apollo rockets that went to the moon. It is complicated. Your anxiety with it is for good reason. We are in the infancy of the computer-age and there is much that needs to be done to make tech easier and less-problematic. Fortunately for now, we still have some analog choices that we can use to reduce our tech anxiety. Be mindful when you purchase tech and apps to make sure you can use it with ease. For example, some TVs now have remotes with buttons and nothing identifying what they are. You may want to skip those.
I do want to briefly write about job hunting and working. Again, identity is another issue that can cause anxiety when applying for a job or keeping a job. I will write more about this topic in a future post but I would like to mention it in this post because, like everything I have written about anxiety so far, the rules of applying for work and holding a job, are more complicated and seem to change every day. For one, a resume used to suffice when applying for a job. It does not anymore. There are so many more qualifications required, and the applicant only knows some. Not knowing exactly what the hiring manager is looking for can cause anxiety, not to mention the other types of evaluations that are going during an interview. Businesses now are looking for employees with the same “identity” as the employer. Much has been written about this and the legality of it comes into question. Try to identify with yourself what is normal job anxiety and what is anxiety that may be harmful in the short and long term. Avoid the latter.
The more specific types of anxiety caused by mental illness, disorders and phobias have competent treatments but more needs to be learned as far as identifying the right treatment/therapy for the right person. I do at some point want to research more on new innovative treatments and discuss them in a future post.
And of course, we have anxiety by association; those people that know exactly what button to push to make us pull out our hair. Many of these people that cause anxiety in us are transient. We just have to get through that moment and be mindful that moment will pass. As for the others, you need to evaluate why they are causing you anxiety, how important is this person in your life, can you work this out between you two, is the person destructive, what are the consequences if you cease contact with the person? You also need to be realistic about yourself and your tolerances. What may cause anxiety for you may not for others.
Hooray! There are many solutions now that are working for people. The internet can help give you safe ideas that you feel will work with you but first discuss everything with your doctor. Thankfully, your primary care doctor can do the initial evaluation, which is highly recommended in case the anxiety is coming from other sources or conditions. Many primary physicians can also prescribe certain medications for anxiety.
There are many more causes of anxiety that are unique to the times we live in. I sometimes think if I sit on a porch and just look out everyday with no contact or information with the rest of the world, everyday is a good day. For the most part, that is true. Granted, some of us are in the military or live in very troubled areas or with troubled people but for most of us, there is an area near us that is anxiety-free. That is your bubble space you can imagine as anxiety-free. Deal with specific issues with specific solutions that affect you directly. Separate your anxieties, do not mix them all into one anxiety. Sort through them and identify which ones are doing the most harm, and work on understanding what the problem is.
While you’re ruminating about your anxieties, have a bowl of ice cream, any kind, lactose free and dairy free included. Science has apparently proven ice cream can make you happy. For real. Use the excuse, “science said so” and go grab a bowl.
According to the CIGNA U.S. Loneliness Index, Generation Z (ages 18-22) is the loneliest generation, college students have the highest loneliness scores, and over 50% of senior citizens in long-term care centers have no visitors. There are many more statistics showing that the negative impacts of loneliness are growing and contribute to, quite profoundly, the deterioration of our physical well-being. We can say that it’s because of the internet or working remotely or culture but those things won’t change in the near future so we must treat loneliness directly. Loneliness is being called an epidemic and there are plenty of studies to prove it, the question could be asked, should there be anything the healthcare system or policy makers do to address it?
Part of what is happening today is the
fractioning of identities. We are no longer just an ethnic, economic, sexual
and political identity. We are now fractioned off into micro-identities that
have the same weight as the main identities. This causes us to feel less
connected to others in the sense that we could be judged more or less
understood. Some of that loneliness comes from safety. Social media has made it
easy to change our identity to someone we want to be. This could be felt as a
problem if that person becomes exposed as a ‘fake.” It may feel better to be
safe than be exposed.
Loneliness also has a detrimental
effect to our physical health. It can be a risk factor for diabetes, heart
disease, Alzheimer’s disease, depression, obesity, anxiety and various types of
addiction. There is plenty of information and studies online that prove
loneliness is in fact, toxic.
It should be said also that opportunities to be
around friends and other people generally are greatly reduced. Years ago, there
were more places to go and be social such as indoor and outdoor sports and
amusement type entertainment businesses. Most of those places were affordable
and fun. These places worked on a healthier level because it was a physical
activity that required specific engagement and teamwork. The replacement now
days are coffee shops where the focus is on conversation what is being said,
how it is said verbally and with body language, all of which can be misread and
could make someone feel misunderstood. With my own experience, many of my friends
and family have moved all over the country as well as work different hours
which all contribute to loneliness.
What I have found is to the lonely person,
loneliness in the present, is an indicator that there will be loneliness in the
future. The lonely person sees loneliness as being progressive, when you start
losing connections, you feel like you cannot recover from that. This happens
right after graduations, moving or generally in the elderly when friends and
family passes away. In treating the lonely person, we have to treat their fear
of future loneliness first before their present loneliness. Loneliness is not only
about being physically alone because some people still feel lonely even among company
and loved ones.
Many people are lonely out of choice, which isn’t to say they prefer to be that way, it could be because safety is more important. That could be physical and mental safety. Well-being policy can’t really address that. Other types of loneliness can be part of transitions such as losing a partner, loss of job, recovery, incarceration, divorce, etc. Those are seen as temporary episodes of loneliness and actually have more resources to help but only in the short term. One is expected to “get through it.”
Ironically, if there were policies of some kind, it probably shouldn’t openly address it’s about loneliness. People don’t want to identify as lonely publicly. One idea that may work is to create a program that could be called, “Get Active.” It could be a locally set-up, possibly corporate funded program that has an online calendar of opportunities to get out of the house. A local church could post a spring-cleaning pizza party. Local government could consider having public art projects that require a group of people to complete, such as a mural. Corporate businesses could have product testing parties. Those that are older and house-bound can be part of a blog about personal or community history. Although it seems random, there should be a careful orchestration of these events to make sure all areas of the community have easy access to participate. There would have to be a variety of events that have a wider and also more focused interests. The bottom line is, in reality, this is a program to alleviate loneliness.
I also believe, at least here in the United States, city-planning has failed to plan for the effects of growth, gentrification and building design in regard to its effect on the community and people in general. There is a good book I recommend entitled, The Death and Life of Great American Cities by Jane Jacobs. The author brings up in her book about how poor city planning can cause the isolation of its residents.
What has worked for the people who I have helped is to have them constantly do things that are out of their comfort zone. The whole “find a hobby, do something fun, make play dates” does not work because there are expectations that it should help loneliness, and this could fail. Trying something new and challenging with reward and growth does work.
Fortunately, loneliness is now being recognized as
a serious health issue and is being focused on in unique and different ways.
The technology of virtual reality has helped many that are disabled, senior citizens
and those physically separated from family and friends. Although it’s not a
real physical interaction, to the one experiencing vr, it’s close enough to make
one feel connected.
I recently attended a church service that was
called “Blue Christmas” that was specifically for those that felt alone during
the holidays. The service included lively music and an opportunity to write on
a piece of paper your thoughts on the challenges of the holiday season. Organizations
such as Alcoholic Anonymous also provide a place for people to feel connected. Local
communities seem to be the first to address loneliness and one of the reasons
may be because there is a negative economic factor when people don’t leave their
homes or become less social.
Working on your own loneliness means stepping out
of your comfort zone. When the opportunity is there to connect, take it. Even
though you can be alone while engaging with someone, you can also feel not
alone while being silently among others. It can also allow others to engage
with you.
The
best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside,
somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Anne Frank
It
is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely. Albert Einstein
Loneliness
is the first thing which God’s eye named not good. John Milton
When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone. Tennessee Williams
Years ago, I took a professional career class that lasted for many months. It was a class that required to share certain intimacies with the other students. For those months a bond had formed with all of us and on the last day of the class we shared our contact information. I also had invited everyone to a small gathering at my house in the near future. On the day of the planned gathering, no one showed. I bought food and drinks and set-up extra chairs, and it was all for nothing. I never heard back from any of them. Needless to say, I was very sad and took it personally. I wondered what was wrong with me because it had to be about me, right? The industry I was in was very small and everyone knew everyone. After being in the industry for a few years I realized I never ran into anyone from that class. I eventually went on to win several awards for my work. On reflecting about that class, I realized that from the beginning to the end, there was a huge drop-out rate. There was just a fraction of students left by the end. It apparently wasn’t for them. I think now that those few that stayed till end, were doing it to just to complete the class but probably weren’t interested in pursuing it further. It is possible they did not want to attend the gathering because they were done with that experience or they were embarrassed because they knew that class and career were not for them. I understand now that when you feel hurt by people, it’s possible you don’t know the whole picture. In fact, they may also be hurting as well. It is easy to make assumptions based on what we experience, but keep in mind there always is a bigger picture and other perspectives, and you may not know what they are.
We read all the time about the wealth of some individuals
and it seems staggering. The irony is many of them are cash poor. Their wealth
is on paper but not in their pockets. Much of their wealth is illiquid, meaning
it cannot be converted into cash. I actually know of a few working-class people
from very wealthy families. This happens in a variety of different ways. Many
wealthy families live off of a trust fund or an allowance. These funds
sometimes may not allow for cost of living increases. Some family members can
be denied family wealth also. In the case of the Yuengling family of Yuengling
Brewery, the children of the owner do not inherit the business, they have to
buy it from their parents. The older wealth families may also have properties
that are cared for by funds or funded by the business but it’s possible the
people living inside may be cash poor. Even the expensive sports cars driven by
millionaires may be provided as a perk by the company. Super billionaire Elon
Musk claims to be cash poor. In his case, his shares in his company cannot be
sold because of regulatory limitations. His company Tesla has negative free
cash flow and lots of debt but yet on paper Musk’s worth is $25 billion.
With lots of money also comes lots of expenses such as taxes,
security, alimony, lawsuits both frivolous and legit, etc. Much of what we see
of the ultra-wealthy is smoke and mirrors. They live in a very fragile economic
bubble that can burst anytime. Sean Quinn was a very wealthy investor in
Ireland who lost $2.8 billion because of bad decisions. His worth dropped to
about $50,000. Elizabeth Holmes, owner of the start-up company Theranos went
from a net worth of $5 billion to $0 because of her bad decisions. There are
many similar riches to rags stories.
The point is, wanting to be financially healthy is ok.
Looking at the ultra-wealthy as the optimum standard of living is probably not
wise, especially given the fragility of today’s economy, not to mention legal
and contractual obligations that comes with the wealth.
I reached out to Mark Laita who has a YouTube channel, Soft White Underbelly, about sharing his experience interviewing and photographing Los Angeles’s Skid Row citizens. I was moved by these people who are struggling with their issues everyday and I was touched by their honesty, courage and pureness of heart despite the tragedies they endured and the pain they still suffer. Without the talents of people like Mark, you would never hear their voices and learn about how one bad decision could change the rest of your life, or somebody else’s.
After speaking to over a thousand
addicted and homeless individuals on LA’s Skid Row as well as in San
Francisco’s Mission and Tenderloin neighborhoods, my view on addiction and
homelessness has changed drastically over the past nine years. While shooting
interviews for my YouTube channel, called Soft White Underbelly, I’ve spoken to
a few people whose lives were destroyed by what was most likely a genetic
propensity to become addicted. I’ve also talked to some individuals who went
through such heartbreaking events that they succumbed to whatever would numb
their pain. Very few of us could have survived these events and rebuilt our
lives after experiencing them. The majority of addicts I’ve spoken to however
are victims of something much deeper and more insidious than drug addiction. If
I had to point a finger at what causes most addictive behaviors, or self-destructive
behaviors, it would be a lack of unconditional love in childhood. This becomes
a much more stubborn and difficult problem as these unloved children become
adults. A lack of unconditional love in childhood causes that person’s self-worth
to plummet, making them seek out situations and people who would support that worthless
view of themselves. You can get the addict clean, find them a job and an
apartment, but the feelings of low self-worth still exist and they usually
relapse, lose their job and housing because their core motivation, which is to
fail, still exists. Curing the addiction is like putting a band aid on cancer.
The real problem is deeper and more difficult to solve. How do we address the
addict’s feelings of worthlessness? Perhaps years of therapy to unlock the pain
from their childhood along with some connection with individuals who might help
them rebuild self-worth in today’s world. The reason this problem is stubborn
is because their low self-worth keeps them stuck, resisting help or therapy
that might break them free of their addiction. It’s as if they are brainwashed
to believe they deserve to be punished for whatever got them into the situation
they’re now in. Ask them and you get answers like, “Why try to fix it? Fix
what? It’s just the way I am.” The reason they gravitate to the terrible
conditions of Skid Row is because it fits their low self-image. A nicer
neighborhood just wouldn’t fit their subconscious view of themselves. A nicer
group of people around them, a better life or a job just get rejected because
they don’t believe they deserve those better things. They believe they deserve
crap. How do you fix that kind of thinking? What’s so frustrating is that the self-destructive
personality actually wants to fail. Good luck trying to fix that.
I’ve asked many of the addicts I’ve interviewed what would
help them get their lives back on track. Their usual reply is rehab, but even
rehab doesn’t solve the core problem and they often relapse once rehab is over.
Sometimes becoming a counselor to other addicts can give a recovered addict a purpose
in life that is challenging and keeps them on track. The few addicts I’ve met
who have gotten themselves clean have all said that a long stint of rehab, a
year or more, usually works, but of those five recovered addicts I spoke to,
three of them who went out in the real world are back using again. As I said,
there’s a deeper problem at work.
I’m not saying it’s not possible. Sometimes I just see that
the easier solution is to try to fix the next generation or two. When parents
choose to love their children unconditionally, especially if those children
were to get poor grades in school, get into trouble, be gay, overweight, use
drugs or alcohol, those children subconsciously feel that love and do the
things that a person who is loved would do, which is feel enough self-worth to
not disappoint their parents and themselves. The self-respect unconditional
love instills in a child gives them the capacity to make good decisions, to
love themselves and to love others throughout their lives. Put simply, it gives
a person the proclivity to do the right thing.
Not that there aren’t other factors at work. We’ll
need to change the wealth inequality in our society, along with the education
and opportunity inequality and then we would begin to make changes that would
stick and would truly effect people and our society in positive ways. As I
said, these are stubborn and difficult problems. Racism and greed makes these
societal changes very difficult. On the other hand, trying to brainwash a
person who is hellbent on self-destructing to change their thinking seems
futile, right? The damage done by unloving or absent parents is so deep that
kindness and common sense have no effect. These people can’t comprehend self-worth.
I am an eternal optimist who wakes each day with a huge amount of
hope and positivity and after spending day after day in the worst part of
America I’ve ever seen (and I’ve been to every state except Alaska), even I
don’t see a solution to a mind that can’t see that they deserve anything other
than abusive interactions with cruel and violent opportunists, horrible health
and living conditions and reject any hand offering an escape. It would be easy
to blame the drug addiction, but in talking with these individuals about their
lives it’s clear that they were trying to self-destruct long before they
discovered drugs. Many report suicide attempts, cutting and reckless acts long
before drugs ever came into their lives. Perhaps what’s to blame is the
misunderstanding about what unconditional love is. What most people call love
is just a trade or a transaction saying, “if you’re a good child I will love
you. If you don’t act up I will love you. If you get good grades I will love
you”. This “trade” plants in their unconscious mind that they are not loved.
This eventually manifests as an adult who chooses abusive partners, make poor
life decisions, sabotages their career, health, living conditions, finances and
relationships.
Some have suggested a religious transformation as a possible
solution and perhaps that is the answer. For these poor souls to understand
that God loves each of us equally and every single one of us deserves his
unconditional love may actually create the self-worth required to change. I
find my view of this terrible problem changes as I continue to work on this
project and delve deeper each month and perhaps it will end with me realizing
that God is indeed the answer. I’ve never been a religious person myself, but
given the choices I see out there, God is looking more like the solution every
day.
You can watch
the interviews on the YouTube channel, Soft White Underbelly. Caution, these
interviews are very frank and is an uncensored look into people whose lives are
of survival. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCvcd0FYi58LwyTQP9LITpA
This post has been challenging for me to write because of the complexity of the term empathy and how our culture defines it as identity. Empathy basically means to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes.” Sympathy, which is similar to empathy, means compassion or sorrow for another person’s hardships. I choose to use the word empathy in this post because it’s more about perspective.
If your house burned to the ground, you would expect empathy from your loved ones and friends in the very least. Being empathetic, they could imagine the loss, and be supportive by providing what they know would be the most important things you would need at that time. We see this as a positive attribute of being human but animals experience this also. Research has shown empathy to be present in not only our pets and primates, but also in chickens and mice. James Harris at Johns Hopkins University believes that empathy is “an evolutionary mechanism to maintain social cohesion. If you’re evolving and you’re in a group, you’re more sensitive to the pain of other members in a group.” Generally, empathy is considered a natural, healthy emotion which keeps us bonded to our “group.”
Empathy also has a few dark sides. For one, we sometimes cannot feel empathy towards someone outside our group. According to a study published in American Political Science Review, regarding current political polarization, “empathic concern does not reduce partisan animosity in the electorate and in some respects even exacerbates it.” Culture also plays an influence in exploiting empathy as a weakness or as having you be seen as a betrayer of the group. Imagine walking to your car at the end of a sports game and a fan of your opposing team trips and falls. More than likely there will be laughs from the other team’s fans. If you were to go over and help that person you could be seen as supporting the opposing team which may not go over well with your company. Culture then makes us selective about how and when we can be empathetic, at least demonstratively. Empathy is also a tool of the sociopath. They may not feel it themselves, but they can mimic it, and they can recognize it in other people and use it as a vulnerability against them. There is also empathy overload which can happen to someone like an emergency room nurse. In this case too much empathy can cause empathy burnout and conflict with their own emotions.
The reason for this blog post in particular is to bring awareness to the growing trend of intentionally killing the natural empathy we have in us. It is being accepted more as a weakness than a strength. Some pass blames on to attorneys who sue people that try to help. I know of a doctor who will not acknowledge they are a doctor outside of their office. If they are on a plane with someone who falls ill, they will not step in because of the fear of a lawsuit. This may be observed as not being empathetic. It is actually fear and selfishness that prevents us from being empathetic. The sad part is we know this is wrong. What if your heart stopped on that plane and the only person that could save you was the fearful inactive doctor? Why does the fear of a lawsuit outweigh the death of human? We require empathy and we like to receive it. Many of us have warm empathetic grandparents that are generous with their care. And when they are, we are open to it, sometimes exaggerating our situation to them to get that attention. Isn’t it fair as a human to extend that out and be that way ourselves? If we expect it, we must also feel it and practice it. Empathy means to see from the other person’s perspective, and to act with respect, sympathy and action. Be mindful of the times you receive it and think about that when you are hesitant to act when you are feeling empathetic on the inside.
