Month: December 2019

According to the CIGNA U.S. Loneliness Index, Generation Z (ages 18-22) is the loneliest generation, college students have the highest loneliness scores, and over 50% of senior citizens in long-term care centers have no visitors. There are many more statistics showing that the negative impacts of loneliness are growing and contribute to, quite profoundly, the deterioration of our physical well-being. We can say that it’s because of the internet or working remotely or culture but those things won’t change in the near future so we must treat loneliness directly. Loneliness is being called an epidemic and there are plenty of studies to prove it, the question could be asked, should there be anything the healthcare system or policy makers do to address it?

Part of what is happening today is the fractioning of identities. We are no longer just an ethnic, economic, sexual and political identity. We are now fractioned off into micro-identities that have the same weight as the main identities. This causes us to feel less connected to others in the sense that we could be judged more or less understood. Some of that loneliness comes from safety. Social media has made it easy to change our identity to someone we want to be. This could be felt as a problem if that person becomes exposed as a ‘fake.” It may feel better to be safe than be exposed.

Loneliness also has a detrimental effect to our physical health. It can be a risk factor for diabetes, heart disease, Alzheimer’s disease, depression, obesity, anxiety and various types of addiction. There is plenty of information and studies online that prove loneliness is in fact, toxic.

It should be said also that opportunities to be around friends and other people generally are greatly reduced. Years ago, there were more places to go and be social such as indoor and outdoor sports and amusement type entertainment businesses. Most of those places were affordable and fun. These places worked on a healthier level because it was a physical activity that required specific engagement and teamwork. The replacement now days are coffee shops where the focus is on conversation what is being said, how it is said verbally and with body language, all of which can be misread and could make someone feel misunderstood. With my own experience, many of my friends and family have moved all over the country as well as work different hours which all contribute to loneliness.

What I have found is to the lonely person, loneliness in the present, is an indicator that there will be loneliness in the future. The lonely person sees loneliness as being progressive, when you start losing connections, you feel like you cannot recover from that. This happens right after graduations, moving or generally in the elderly when friends and family passes away. In treating the lonely person, we have to treat their fear of future loneliness first before their present loneliness. Loneliness is not only about being physically alone because some people still feel lonely even among company and loved ones.

Many people are lonely out of choice, which isn’t to say they prefer to be that way, it could be because safety is more important. That could be physical and mental safety. Well-being policy can’t really address that. Other types of loneliness can be part of transitions such as losing a partner, loss of job, recovery, incarceration, divorce, etc. Those are seen as temporary episodes of loneliness and actually have more resources to help but only in the short term. One is expected to “get through it.”

Ironically, if there were policies of some kind, it probably shouldn’t openly address it’s about loneliness. People don’t want to identify as lonely publicly. One idea that may work is to create a program that could be called, “Get Active.” It could be a locally set-up, possibly corporate funded program that has an online calendar of opportunities to get out of the house. A local church could post a spring-cleaning pizza party. Local government could consider having public art projects that require a group of people to complete, such as a mural. Corporate businesses could have product testing parties. Those that are older and house-bound can be part of a blog about personal or community history. Although it seems random, there should be a careful orchestration of these events to make sure all areas of the community have easy access to participate. There would have to be a variety of events that have a wider and also more focused interests. The bottom line is, in reality, this is a program to alleviate loneliness.

I also believe, at least here in the United States, city-planning has failed to plan for the effects of growth, gentrification and building design in regard to its effect on the community and people in general. There is a good book I recommend entitled, The Death and Life of Great American Cities by Jane Jacobs. The author brings up in her book about how poor city planning can cause the isolation of its residents.

What has worked for the people who I have helped is to have them constantly do things that are out of their comfort zone. The whole “find a hobby, do something fun, make play dates” does not work because there are expectations that it should help loneliness, and this could fail. Trying something new and challenging with reward and growth does work.

Fortunately, loneliness is now being recognized as a serious health issue and is being focused on in unique and different ways. The technology of virtual reality has helped many that are disabled, senior citizens and those physically separated from family and friends. Although it’s not a real physical interaction, to the one experiencing vr, it’s close enough to make one feel connected.

I recently attended a church service that was called “Blue Christmas” that was specifically for those that felt alone during the holidays. The service included lively music and an opportunity to write on a piece of paper your thoughts on the challenges of the holiday season. Organizations such as Alcoholic Anonymous also provide a place for people to feel connected. Local communities seem to be the first to address loneliness and one of the reasons may be because there is a negative economic factor when people don’t leave their homes or become less social.

Working on your own loneliness means stepping out of your comfort zone. When the opportunity is there to connect, take it. Even though you can be alone while engaging with someone, you can also feel not alone while being silently among others. It can also allow others to engage with you.

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God.    Anne Frank

It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.   Albert Einstein

Loneliness is the first thing which God’s eye named not good.   John Milton

When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone. Tennessee Williams

Years ago, I took a professional career class that lasted for many months. It was a class that required to share certain intimacies with the other students. For those months a bond had formed with all of us and on the last day of the class we shared our contact information. I also had invited everyone to a small gathering at my house in the near future. On the day of the planned gathering, no one showed. I bought food and drinks and set-up extra chairs, and it was all for nothing. I never heard back from any of them. Needless to say, I was very sad and took it personally. I wondered what was wrong with me because it had to be about me, right? The industry I was in was very small and everyone knew everyone. After being in the industry for a few years I realized I never ran into anyone from that class. I eventually went on to win several awards for my work. On reflecting about that class, I realized that from the beginning to the end, there was a huge drop-out rate. There was just a fraction of students left by the end. It apparently wasn’t for them. I think now that those few that stayed till end, were doing it to just to complete the class but probably weren’t interested in pursuing it further. It is possible they did not want to attend the gathering because they were done with that experience or they were embarrassed because they knew that class and career were not for them. I understand now that when you feel hurt by people, it’s possible you don’t know the whole picture. In fact, they may also be hurting as well. It is easy to make assumptions based on what we experience, but keep in mind there always is a bigger picture and other perspectives, and you may not know what they are.

We read all the time about the wealth of some individuals and it seems staggering. The irony is many of them are cash poor. Their wealth is on paper but not in their pockets. Much of their wealth is illiquid, meaning it cannot be converted into cash. I actually know of a few working-class people from very wealthy families. This happens in a variety of different ways. Many wealthy families live off of a trust fund or an allowance. These funds sometimes may not allow for cost of living increases. Some family members can be denied family wealth also. In the case of the Yuengling family of Yuengling Brewery, the children of the owner do not inherit the business, they have to buy it from their parents. The older wealth families may also have properties that are cared for by funds or funded by the business but it’s possible the people living inside may be cash poor. Even the expensive sports cars driven by millionaires may be provided as a perk by the company. Super billionaire Elon Musk claims to be cash poor. In his case, his shares in his company cannot be sold because of regulatory limitations. His company Tesla has negative free cash flow and lots of debt but yet on paper Musk’s worth is $25 billion.

With lots of money also comes lots of expenses such as taxes, security, alimony, lawsuits both frivolous and legit, etc. Much of what we see of the ultra-wealthy is smoke and mirrors. They live in a very fragile economic bubble that can burst anytime. Sean Quinn was a very wealthy investor in Ireland who lost $2.8 billion because of bad decisions. His worth dropped to about $50,000. Elizabeth Holmes, owner of the start-up company Theranos went from a net worth of $5 billion to $0 because of her bad decisions. There are many similar riches to rags stories.

The point is, wanting to be financially healthy is ok. Looking at the ultra-wealthy as the optimum standard of living is probably not wise, especially given the fragility of today’s economy, not to mention legal and contractual obligations that comes with the wealth.

I reached out to Mark Laita who has a YouTube channel, Soft White Underbelly, about sharing his experience interviewing and photographing Los Angeles’s Skid Row citizens. I was moved by these people who are struggling with their issues everyday and I was touched by their honesty, courage and pureness of heart despite the tragedies they endured and the pain they still suffer. Without the talents of people like Mark, you would never hear their voices and learn about how one bad decision could change the rest of your life, or somebody else’s.

 After speaking to over a thousand addicted and homeless individuals on LA’s Skid Row as well as in San Francisco’s Mission and Tenderloin neighborhoods, my view on addiction and homelessness has changed drastically over the past nine years. While shooting interviews for my YouTube channel, called Soft White Underbelly, I’ve spoken to a few people whose lives were destroyed by what was most likely a genetic propensity to become addicted. I’ve also talked to some individuals who went through such heartbreaking events that they succumbed to whatever would numb their pain. Very few of us could have survived these events and rebuilt our lives after experiencing them. The majority of addicts I’ve spoken to however are victims of something much deeper and more insidious than drug addiction. If I had to point a finger at what causes most addictive behaviors, or self-destructive behaviors, it would be a lack of unconditional love in childhood. This becomes a much more stubborn and difficult problem as these unloved children become adults. A lack of unconditional love in childhood causes that person’s self-worth to plummet, making them seek out situations and people who would support that worthless view of themselves. You can get the addict clean, find them a job and an apartment, but the feelings of low self-worth still exist and they usually relapse, lose their job and housing because their core motivation, which is to fail, still exists. Curing the addiction is like putting a band aid on cancer. The real problem is deeper and more difficult to solve. How do we address the addict’s feelings of worthlessness? Perhaps years of therapy to unlock the pain from their childhood along with some connection with individuals who might help them rebuild self-worth in today’s world. The reason this problem is stubborn is because their low self-worth keeps them stuck, resisting help or therapy that might break them free of their addiction. It’s as if they are brainwashed to believe they deserve to be punished for whatever got them into the situation they’re now in. Ask them and you get answers like, “Why try to fix it? Fix what? It’s just the way I am.” The reason they gravitate to the terrible conditions of Skid Row is because it fits their low self-image. A nicer neighborhood just wouldn’t fit their subconscious view of themselves. A nicer group of people around them, a better life or a job just get rejected because they don’t believe they deserve those better things. They believe they deserve crap. How do you fix that kind of thinking? What’s so frustrating is that the self-destructive personality actually wants to fail. Good luck trying to fix that.     

      I’ve asked many of the addicts I’ve interviewed what would help them get their lives back on track. Their usual reply is rehab, but even rehab doesn’t solve the core problem and they often relapse once rehab is over. Sometimes becoming a counselor to other addicts can give a recovered addict a purpose in life that is challenging and keeps them on track. The few addicts I’ve met who have gotten themselves clean have all said that a long stint of rehab, a year or more, usually works, but of those five recovered addicts I spoke to, three of them who went out in the real world are back using again. As I said, there’s a deeper problem at work.

       I’m not saying it’s not possible. Sometimes I just see that the easier solution is to try to fix the next generation or two. When parents choose to love their children unconditionally, especially if those children were to get poor grades in school, get into trouble, be gay, overweight, use drugs or alcohol, those children subconsciously feel that love and do the things that a person who is loved would do, which is feel enough self-worth to not disappoint their parents and themselves. The self-respect unconditional love instills in a child gives them the capacity to make good decisions, to love themselves and to love others throughout their lives. Put simply, it gives a person the proclivity to do the right thing.

        Not that there aren’t other factors at work. We’ll need to change the wealth inequality in our society, along with the education and opportunity inequality and then we would begin to make changes that would stick and would truly effect people and our society in positive ways. As I said, these are stubborn and difficult problems. Racism and greed makes these societal changes very difficult. On the other hand, trying to brainwash a person who is hellbent on self-destructing to change their thinking seems futile, right? The damage done by unloving or absent parents is so deep that kindness and common sense have no effect. These people can’t comprehend self-worth. 

    I am an eternal optimist who wakes each day with a huge amount of hope and positivity and after spending day after day in the worst part of America I’ve ever seen (and I’ve been to every state except Alaska), even I don’t see a solution to a mind that can’t see that they deserve anything other than abusive interactions with cruel and violent opportunists, horrible health and living conditions and reject any hand offering an escape. It would be easy to blame the drug addiction, but in talking with these individuals about their lives it’s clear that they were trying to self-destruct long before they discovered drugs. Many report suicide attempts, cutting and reckless acts long before drugs ever came into their lives. Perhaps what’s to blame is the misunderstanding about what unconditional love is. What most people call love is just a trade or a transaction saying, “if you’re a good child I will love you. If you don’t act up I will love you. If you get good grades I will love you”. This “trade” plants in their unconscious mind that they are not loved. This eventually manifests as an adult who chooses abusive partners, make poor life decisions, sabotages their career, health, living conditions, finances and relationships. 

      Some have suggested a religious transformation as a possible solution and perhaps that is the answer. For these poor souls to understand that God loves each of us equally and every single one of us deserves his unconditional love may actually create the self-worth required to change. I find my view of this terrible problem changes as I continue to work on this project and delve deeper each month and perhaps it will end with me realizing that God is indeed the answer. I’ve never been a religious person myself, but given the choices I see out there, God is looking more like the solution every day.

You can watch the interviews on the YouTube channel, Soft White Underbelly. Caution, these interviews are very frank and is an uncensored look into people whose lives are of survival. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCvcd0FYi58LwyTQP9LITpA

This post has been challenging for me to write because of the complexity of the term empathy and how our culture defines it as identity. Empathy basically means to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes.” Sympathy, which is similar to empathy, means compassion or sorrow for another person’s hardships. I choose to use the word empathy in this post because it’s more about perspective.

If your house burned to the ground, you would expect empathy from your loved ones and friends in the very least. Being empathetic, they could imagine the loss, and be supportive by providing what they know would be the most important things you would need at that time. We see this as a positive attribute of being human but animals experience this also. Research has shown empathy to be present in not only our pets and primates, but also in chickens and mice. James Harris at Johns Hopkins University believes that empathy is “an evolutionary mechanism to maintain social cohesion. If you’re evolving and you’re in a group, you’re more sensitive to the pain of other members in a group.” Generally, empathy is considered a natural, healthy emotion which keeps us bonded to our “group.”

Empathy also has a few dark sides. For one, we sometimes cannot feel empathy towards someone outside our group. According to a study published in American Political Science Review, regarding current political polarization, “empathic concern does not reduce partisan animosity in the electorate and in some respects even exacerbates it.” Culture also plays an influence in exploiting empathy as a weakness or as having you be seen as a betrayer of the group. Imagine walking to your car at the end of a sports game and a fan of your opposing team trips and falls. More than likely there will be laughs from the other team’s fans. If you were to go over and help that person you could be seen as supporting the opposing team which may not go over well with your company. Culture then makes us selective about how and when we can be empathetic, at least demonstratively. Empathy is also a tool of the sociopath. They may not feel it themselves, but they can mimic it, and they can recognize it in other people and use it as a vulnerability against them. There is also empathy overload which can happen to someone like an emergency room nurse. In this case too much empathy can cause empathy burnout and conflict with their own emotions.

The reason for this blog post in particular is to bring awareness to the growing trend of intentionally killing the natural empathy we have in us. It is being accepted more as a weakness than a strength.  Some pass blames on to attorneys who sue people that try to help. I know of a doctor who will not acknowledge they are a doctor outside of their office. If they are on a plane with someone who falls ill, they will not step in because of the fear of a lawsuit. This may be observed as not being empathetic. It is actually fear and selfishness that prevents us from being empathetic. The sad part is we know this is wrong. What if your heart stopped on that plane and the only person that could save you was the fearful inactive doctor? Why does the fear of a lawsuit outweigh the death of human? We require empathy and we like to receive it. Many of us have warm empathetic grandparents that are generous with their care. And when they are, we are open to it, sometimes exaggerating our situation to them to get that attention. Isn’t it fair as a human to extend that out and be that way ourselves? If we expect it, we must also feel it and practice it. Empathy means to see from the other person’s perspective, and to act with respect, sympathy and action. Be mindful of the times you receive it and think about that when you are hesitant to act when you are feeling empathetic on the inside.

Social Work Today is a great resource for articles on a variety of issues such as addiction, family, aging, social justice, education, mental health and many other issues. It also provides perspectives from the social workers who work directly with people suffering through many difficult challenges. This is also a  great resource for the latest research, news and data on these issues. https://www.socialworktoday.com