Perspectives On Living

I reached out to Mark Laita who has a YouTube channel, Soft White Underbelly, about sharing his experience interviewing and photographing Los Angeles’s Skid Row citizens. I was moved by these people who are struggling with their issues everyday and I was touched by their honesty, courage and pureness of heart despite the tragedies they endured and the pain they still suffer. Without the talents of people like Mark, you would never hear their voices and learn about how one bad decision could change the rest of your life, or somebody else’s.

 After speaking to over a thousand addicted and homeless individuals on LA’s Skid Row as well as in San Francisco’s Mission and Tenderloin neighborhoods, my view on addiction and homelessness has changed drastically over the past nine years. While shooting interviews for my YouTube channel, called Soft White Underbelly, I’ve spoken to a few people whose lives were destroyed by what was most likely a genetic propensity to become addicted. I’ve also talked to some individuals who went through such heartbreaking events that they succumbed to whatever would numb their pain. Very few of us could have survived these events and rebuilt our lives after experiencing them. The majority of addicts I’ve spoken to however are victims of something much deeper and more insidious than drug addiction. If I had to point a finger at what causes most addictive behaviors, or self-destructive behaviors, it would be a lack of unconditional love in childhood. This becomes a much more stubborn and difficult problem as these unloved children become adults. A lack of unconditional love in childhood causes that person’s self-worth to plummet, making them seek out situations and people who would support that worthless view of themselves. You can get the addict clean, find them a job and an apartment, but the feelings of low self-worth still exist and they usually relapse, lose their job and housing because their core motivation, which is to fail, still exists. Curing the addiction is like putting a band aid on cancer. The real problem is deeper and more difficult to solve. How do we address the addict’s feelings of worthlessness? Perhaps years of therapy to unlock the pain from their childhood along with some connection with individuals who might help them rebuild self-worth in today’s world. The reason this problem is stubborn is because their low self-worth keeps them stuck, resisting help or therapy that might break them free of their addiction. It’s as if they are brainwashed to believe they deserve to be punished for whatever got them into the situation they’re now in. Ask them and you get answers like, “Why try to fix it? Fix what? It’s just the way I am.” The reason they gravitate to the terrible conditions of Skid Row is because it fits their low self-image. A nicer neighborhood just wouldn’t fit their subconscious view of themselves. A nicer group of people around them, a better life or a job just get rejected because they don’t believe they deserve those better things. They believe they deserve crap. How do you fix that kind of thinking? What’s so frustrating is that the self-destructive personality actually wants to fail. Good luck trying to fix that.     

      I’ve asked many of the addicts I’ve interviewed what would help them get their lives back on track. Their usual reply is rehab, but even rehab doesn’t solve the core problem and they often relapse once rehab is over. Sometimes becoming a counselor to other addicts can give a recovered addict a purpose in life that is challenging and keeps them on track. The few addicts I’ve met who have gotten themselves clean have all said that a long stint of rehab, a year or more, usually works, but of those five recovered addicts I spoke to, three of them who went out in the real world are back using again. As I said, there’s a deeper problem at work.

       I’m not saying it’s not possible. Sometimes I just see that the easier solution is to try to fix the next generation or two. When parents choose to love their children unconditionally, especially if those children were to get poor grades in school, get into trouble, be gay, overweight, use drugs or alcohol, those children subconsciously feel that love and do the things that a person who is loved would do, which is feel enough self-worth to not disappoint their parents and themselves. The self-respect unconditional love instills in a child gives them the capacity to make good decisions, to love themselves and to love others throughout their lives. Put simply, it gives a person the proclivity to do the right thing.

        Not that there aren’t other factors at work. We’ll need to change the wealth inequality in our society, along with the education and opportunity inequality and then we would begin to make changes that would stick and would truly effect people and our society in positive ways. As I said, these are stubborn and difficult problems. Racism and greed makes these societal changes very difficult. On the other hand, trying to brainwash a person who is hellbent on self-destructing to change their thinking seems futile, right? The damage done by unloving or absent parents is so deep that kindness and common sense have no effect. These people can’t comprehend self-worth. 

    I am an eternal optimist who wakes each day with a huge amount of hope and positivity and after spending day after day in the worst part of America I’ve ever seen (and I’ve been to every state except Alaska), even I don’t see a solution to a mind that can’t see that they deserve anything other than abusive interactions with cruel and violent opportunists, horrible health and living conditions and reject any hand offering an escape. It would be easy to blame the drug addiction, but in talking with these individuals about their lives it’s clear that they were trying to self-destruct long before they discovered drugs. Many report suicide attempts, cutting and reckless acts long before drugs ever came into their lives. Perhaps what’s to blame is the misunderstanding about what unconditional love is. What most people call love is just a trade or a transaction saying, “if you’re a good child I will love you. If you don’t act up I will love you. If you get good grades I will love you”. This “trade” plants in their unconscious mind that they are not loved. This eventually manifests as an adult who chooses abusive partners, make poor life decisions, sabotages their career, health, living conditions, finances and relationships. 

      Some have suggested a religious transformation as a possible solution and perhaps that is the answer. For these poor souls to understand that God loves each of us equally and every single one of us deserves his unconditional love may actually create the self-worth required to change. I find my view of this terrible problem changes as I continue to work on this project and delve deeper each month and perhaps it will end with me realizing that God is indeed the answer. I’ve never been a religious person myself, but given the choices I see out there, God is looking more like the solution every day.

You can watch the interviews on the YouTube channel, Soft White Underbelly. Caution, these interviews are very frank and is an uncensored look into people whose lives are of survival. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCvcd0FYi58LwyTQP9LITpA

This post has been challenging for me to write because of the complexity of the term empathy and how our culture defines it as identity. Empathy basically means to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes.” Sympathy, which is similar to empathy, means compassion or sorrow for another person’s hardships. I choose to use the word empathy in this post because it’s more about perspective.

If your house burned to the ground, you would expect empathy from your loved ones and friends in the very least. Being empathetic, they could imagine the loss, and be supportive by providing what they know would be the most important things you would need at that time. We see this as a positive attribute of being human but animals experience this also. Research has shown empathy to be present in not only our pets and primates, but also in chickens and mice. James Harris at Johns Hopkins University believes that empathy is “an evolutionary mechanism to maintain social cohesion. If you’re evolving and you’re in a group, you’re more sensitive to the pain of other members in a group.” Generally, empathy is considered a natural, healthy emotion which keeps us bonded to our “group.”

Empathy also has a few dark sides. For one, we sometimes cannot feel empathy towards someone outside our group. According to a study published in American Political Science Review, regarding current political polarization, “empathic concern does not reduce partisan animosity in the electorate and in some respects even exacerbates it.” Culture also plays an influence in exploiting empathy as a weakness or as having you be seen as a betrayer of the group. Imagine walking to your car at the end of a sports game and a fan of your opposing team trips and falls. More than likely there will be laughs from the other team’s fans. If you were to go over and help that person you could be seen as supporting the opposing team which may not go over well with your company. Culture then makes us selective about how and when we can be empathetic, at least demonstratively. Empathy is also a tool of the sociopath. They may not feel it themselves, but they can mimic it, and they can recognize it in other people and use it as a vulnerability against them. There is also empathy overload which can happen to someone like an emergency room nurse. In this case too much empathy can cause empathy burnout and conflict with their own emotions.

The reason for this blog post in particular is to bring awareness to the growing trend of intentionally killing the natural empathy we have in us. It is being accepted more as a weakness than a strength.  Some pass blames on to attorneys who sue people that try to help. I know of a doctor who will not acknowledge they are a doctor outside of their office. If they are on a plane with someone who falls ill, they will not step in because of the fear of a lawsuit. This may be observed as not being empathetic. It is actually fear and selfishness that prevents us from being empathetic. The sad part is we know this is wrong. What if your heart stopped on that plane and the only person that could save you was the fearful inactive doctor? Why does the fear of a lawsuit outweigh the death of human? We require empathy and we like to receive it. Many of us have warm empathetic grandparents that are generous with their care. And when they are, we are open to it, sometimes exaggerating our situation to them to get that attention. Isn’t it fair as a human to extend that out and be that way ourselves? If we expect it, we must also feel it and practice it. Empathy means to see from the other person’s perspective, and to act with respect, sympathy and action. Be mindful of the times you receive it and think about that when you are hesitant to act when you are feeling empathetic on the inside.

Social Work Today is a great resource for articles on a variety of issues such as addiction, family, aging, social justice, education, mental health and many other issues. It also provides perspectives from the social workers who work directly with people suffering through many difficult challenges. This is also a  great resource for the latest research, news and data on these issues. https://www.socialworktoday.com

As we ride on the rough roads of the 21^st century, figuratively speaking, we notice our maps are showing less roads. Even with a global market, diversity acceptance, the internet and instantaneous global communication, we are finding we are losing the ability to choose. Our choices have become slimmer and we have become angry about it. When we lose choice, we lose control. We also feel we cannot make the best decisions for ourselves. It can be shopping, healthcare, jobs, housing or anything where there is a noticeable decrease in choices. With a decline in income comes a decline in choice. When we lose options, we feel like we are victims to the choices we have left because we are losing control.

Having the ability to choose is a strength, it’s empowerment. One size does not fit all, and we are for the most part, able to and want to choose what is right for us. I believe part of our collective angst is the loss of choice. The sooner we recognize it, the sooner we can take it seriously. There may not be much we can do in the bigger picture but taking advantage of when we do have choice is a start. For me, I like to shop for groceries at a variety of different markets. I am supporting different markets and I am giving myself more choices of groceries. Supporting the variety, preserves the variety.

“Hope” is an interesting word. When we use the word “hope”, we generally use it in a positive context. The fact is, it’s a very passive word. When we use it, we are saying, I want something to happen, but I have no control over the outcome. When given the opportunity to use the word “hope”, say “want” instead, or “will make.” Take control of the future by focusing on making things happen, instead of just hoping for them.

Hate is not the opposite of love. Hate is anger. Hate is loss of control. Hate is surrender or the possibility of surrendering. Hate is identity misunderstood. Hate is vulnerability exposed. Hate can be a negative byproduct of culture. Hate is accumulative. Hate is a reaction.

We don’t choose hate, hate happens. The opposite of hate is tolerance. To not have hate is to be tolerant but not just with others but with ourselves and things we associate with. Being tolerant doesn’t mean giving approval or engaging with the things and people we “hate”, it means turning down the level of hate by making the effort to dilute its negative effects. Hate has a surface value sometimes of momentary strength which can seem to be positive, but the emotion is so high level that its purpose can be lost or misunderstood which again, being misunderstood is one of the definitions of hate.

We all know what the definition is because we all have our own idea and experience what bullying is. The causes are many but what I think it comes down to is an aggressive form of competition. The bully needs to feel in control of something and aggression works because the response to it is usually passive. Being dominant is seen as an accomplishment to the bully. It gives a feeling of control and empowerment. It’s a reaction to experiencing a weakness or fear. That weakness or fear can be very complex.

Bullying should be seen as a perpetual cycle. The successful bully will not stop and probably will escalate. Because of this, there should be zero tolerance. The bully should be confronted by someone that they trust, and they should be told that their behavior is being identified as bullying and that it is unacceptable and punishable. They should be told that it’s systematic of other issues and those issues should be explored by a professional. When appropriate, options could be made as to where help is available for them to explore their issues. The bully should also be separated from their recipient and this should be monitored.

It will be up to the bully to deal with the issues that is causing the bullying and so until that happens, avoidance, discipline and monitoring are the only options. Understanding that there is unhealthy competition in the bully may help in trying to provide opportunities that are healthy self-esteem building and that have an expected achievement. Unfortunately, bullying happens with adults, neighbors, partners, family and co-workers. It can be a game of tolerance. The consequences of addressing the bully have to be weighed and may come down to identifying if the bullying is approaching intolerable but tolerance has its limits. No bullying should really be tolerated.

This has been one of my most challenging perspectives because I really wanted to get this right. I actually do research to help me clarify the points I make, and I try my best to be accurate, clear and careful. I also want to make this concise and to the point because this is a very complicated issue, and this is still a work in progress.

I have studied for a long time the dynamics of dysfunctional families in an effort to try to understand the roots of the dysfunction. Unfortunately, until recently, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Dysfunctional families don’t just happen, they build upon each other over generations and many of our dysfunctions now can be traced to before the Civil War. Therapy or meds can’t always help something so engrained into our DNA but looking at families that have healthy family dynamics can give some perspective into what we are doing wrong.

From my own experience and from research I found, there are quite a few core building blocks to be a healthy adult. Some of them seem obvious but the reasons they are important may not be exactly known to us. Much of who we are is biology, genetics and human instinct. Those three things we have no conscious control of, but they do play an enormous role in our behaviors and our mental quality of life. For example, it’s been proven that loneliness can have serious health consequences including cardiovascular disease and stroke and even though loneliness may not be seen as physical, it affects us physically because we as humans need the presence of other people to be healthy. Remember that solitary confinement is considered one of the most extreme forms of punishment.

So like our need for others, there are many other pieces of the puzzle for being a healthy adult. From what I have researched, the elements that contribute to a healthy adult are based off of a wider definition of traditional families, not the modern, religious or political definition of traditional but more the human. It’s important that we have a dependable, nurturing, and forgiving set or group of people to raise us. These can be parents by any definition, family or others that are there for the entire growth of the child to the adult. The child must feel secure about their present and their future. They must have controlled challenges to facilitate growth and learning and have experience in dealing with disappointment. They must feel useful as a child with the hopes of being useful as an adult. Their daily life should follow consistent, reliable patterns. All of their questions should be answered. They must feel like a they are a positive contributor to the family.

It should go without saying abuse of any sort is not a contributor to a healthy adult.

The closest example I could come up with of all these elements coming together would be the farming lifestyle. Generally speaking farming has suffered quite a bit in recent due to unfavorable weather, trade tariffs, competitive pricing and other financial issues but the farming family culture has shown to be strong and resilient with growing interest among the younger generations according to the National Young Farmers Coalition. What we want to focus on is not the farming specifically but how the farming family provides the necessary elements to help achieve to become a healthier adult. In a farming family all members have value and work towards the success of the family. You start off very young knowing the value of teamwork and self-sacrifice. Everyone in the family has a role, and each role is respected. Many farms have been handed down from generation to generation and if the farm is successful, the child can decide to not be a farmer but know that the farm is there if they decide differently. There are also the added benefits such as access to healthier foods and literally seeing the fruit of your labor.

If you look for a definition of “critical thinking” on the web, you’ll find a variety of answers. My definition below expands a bit on the others but with a difference that a critical thinker knows they can be wrong.

“The process of using a variety of different disciplines, education, perspectives and creative thinking to acknowledge the possibility of other conclusions. This process has no limits to the tools, intelligence or methods to achieve this. What separates critical thinking from other types of analysis is with critical thinking the understanding is that conclusions can be dynamic, complicated and can be wrong. Quick assumptions or unchangeable opinions are not critical thinking.”

I bring this up because of the many news stories about people who believe in so-called conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theories happen when we try to use logic on a subject that seems to defy logic. If for some reason it rained just over your house every day at 3pm to 4pm for an entire week, there would seem to be some significance for this to happen. Nature is regarded as “random” and the raining would seem to be intentional. Although it could be merely a coincidence, and in fact in Florida this kind of weather event does happen, you would try to apply logic to it. It would seem to only make more sense if there was an intention to raining over your house the same time every day. Conspiracy theories are actually the first step in critical thinking because they get you to analyze a problem using a different logic. The problem is with many people their thinking stops there. It’s good to add logic to a problem but it’s bad not to be open to other possibilities and answers. Critical thinking is about exploring and being open to the possibility of other answers, maybe in even two conflicting answers where both could correct.

A good exercise in critical thinking is to think about a specific conspiracy theory, and how the two popular opposing opinions could both be true at the same time.

Years ago, we knew exactly who directed hate towards us, but because of the various types of global communication we have currently, most hate we receive is from strangers. The first thing we need to do is to not concentrate on the content of the hate. Make the hate generic. The second thing we need to do is to identify if there is a credible threat of harm. There are plenty of types of resources to do so including asking friends and family. In some cases, contacting someone in law enforcement. We alone cannot always identify a real threat from an empty one.

Identify if the hate directed towards you is personal, meaning they know you and you know them, and the hate is because of an interaction between you both. Ask yourself if you need to own the hate or did you do something where the hate from the other person is justified? Are you returning the hate?

If the hate is personal, you will have to make the effort to understand it and address it. Personal hate is looking to get resolved and that can be in a good or bad way. Ask yourself what compromise are you willing to make to resolve the cause, and to eliminate or diffuse the hate. If you make the efforts to resolve the hate and the efforts fail, you have the option to try things differently but don’t continue if you feel it is not working. Some people want to hate, and you can’t change that. It can make them hate even more. Letting time pass can help, but be cautious about resuming your efforts to resolve the situation. Only when you feel the other person is receptive should you try again. Unfortunately hate can be a driving force for some people. It’s the reason they wake up in the morning and you’re not going to be able to change that. I’m not under the belief that all problems can be solved but I do believe we can deal with them better. Putting distance physically and mentally between you and the hateful person is the best option unless you feel threatened. If that is the case the threat needs to be addressed professionally.

There has been and always will be hate. Much of it is because there is a misunderstanding, or someone feels threatened. You are not required to engage or defend yourself with a hateful person and there is a good amount of hate that can be ignored. Hate focused on you may in fact be a release for some people, and you just happen to be a convenient target. Unless it’s personal, you don’t need to figure it out.